And for that, I am truly sorry. The whole reason I began to blog, as I have mentioned in at least one, if not more of my posts, was to hopefully reach someone who was struggling whether it be with RSD, some other type of chronic illness or just with life. I was blown away to hear from so many people tell me how it helped them and I wanted to continue to do so but then life got crazy and blogging took a back seat. I am sorry to those who have asked me to continue and have yet to see a post from me. I did promise to continue, so here I am. Better late than never, right?
My RSD has spread once again. I now have it in both arms, starting in my shoulders making its' way down to the tips of my fingers. From there it travels through my back, down my buttocks (is there a more appropriate word?) and then skips my legs but unfortunately, didn't leave me completely untouched in my lower body as it's in my left foot, the originating point of this nasty little nuisance. I was pretty depressed when I learned of its' spreading but at the same time, wasn't too surprised as this disease is notorious for kind of taking over one's body. Some luck out and only have it in one limb, but many, like myself, have their regular body seized by this disease as it slowly makes a home for itself in a new body part. This disease is malicious and unpredictable. It is my worst enemy and I have to share a home with it. It's ruined relationships and has even toyed with my psyche from time to time. It has limited my ability to perform day-to-day tasks. Shoot, it has affected my job so much that it's on the line as we speak. I have my own personal pharmacy that I take on a daily basis just to try to limit some of the pain I experience. Pharmaceutical companies must love me because of the number of pills and the number of medications I am given each month. I resent it and everything about it, but I won't give it the satisfaction of letting me give up on everything. I will keep my job, I will attempt to mend broken relationships; I will remain positive and will continue to reach out to others who struggle in hopes to help them realize they can deal with hardship and it does not have to define them.
A lot has gone on since I last posted. While I'm not quite ready to share details of everything that has occurred, I have experienced many hardships and I've reached my breaking point because of them. My list of friends has shrunk quite drastically, although it's doubtful I would have leaned on them during these times anyways simply because I have done so countless times before and I can imagine it has exhausted many to the point of needing to end the friendship. Just to catch you up on some things, although I am sure many of you figured it out by my postings on Facebook: we moved into a new house which I love, the kids finished up the school year, Cameron graduating 1st grade, Ashlyn graduating kindergarten and my stepdaughter Aspen graduating 3rd, and then there is the most exciting change which is the reuniting that took place between my husband and me. Marriage is a sacred union to both of us although during our separation, we both had conceded that it was not going to work out between us. We led separate lives, lived in separate cities. We only spoke when it was regarding the kids or him coming to visit the kids. It was sad to see the damage in our family and how broken we were. The kids had adjusted ok to the separation, but it didn't mean they wanted it to remain that way. Come March, things were changing between us. Tensions had eased, pride was put aside and the decision was made to try and work things out. The process was long and tedious. At times, I thought the pain would kill me and I didn't think we'd make it out the other side. But I soon realized that both of us had made radical changes in our lives and we weren't the same people we were when we separated. If we were, there wasn't a chance in hell our marriage would remain in tact. Slowly, the healing process began between us and we shared a new way of communicating, loving each other, respecting each other and embracing our differences instead of fighting over them. It's been five months since our reconciliation, but I can say with confidence that we are going to make it. Ask me 9 months ago if we would and I would have given you a completely different answer full of mean remarks and spiteful comments. I think God timed it this way so we wouldn't face the challenges and hardships that we are currently experiencing, alone. And the things we are experiencing right now would tear many couples apart without a doubt. Instead, it has brought us closer together, given us a chance to lean on each other and strengthen our bond even more. If you knew us well the last few years, you'd know we had an unhealthy and complicated relationship. I guess that's what comes with marrying each other after dating for six months, but we're still standing and we are stronger than I ever thought possible. The power of forgiveness and of humility are a strong thing. They are something that in the past, I did not give much thought to, nor did I ever consider doing. Sometimes I feel several years were wasted simply because of our pride, but I'd rather focus on shaping my future than trying to change the past or live in a "what if" world. I can only attribute this change in our marriage and the miracle of our reconciliation, to God.
So for those of you who are going through an impossibly hard time in your life right now, find someone to lean on. If you're married, lean on your spouse and let them help you through it. Instead of getting angry with them or letting this hard time tear you apart, allow it to bring you closer together. Remember that they are going through something too and you took a vow that included "for better or worse". The worse portion is difficult to get through, but not impossible. And if Adam and I can make it, then trust me, ANYONE can. We were seconds from a divorce and are now best friends, teammates and share a love and bond stronger than we could have ever imagined. There are no more fights, no more yelling. All that has been replaced by love, good communication and understanding. My RSD always makes for a challenge in any relationship I have, whether it be a friend, family or my marriage. But, it doesn't define me and your circumstance do not have to define you. It does not have to negatively impact your relationships. It can if you allow it, but it can also be something that makes your relationships stronger. I challenge you to start viewing your hardships as opportunities to make your relationships better instead of allowing it to put a strain on them. Find ways to improve your relationships because in the end, you are going to want people standing by you instead of being alone.
Until next time...and I promise, there will be a next time.
