My quest for control

Control is defined as the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.

It is something I have chased, something I have demanded to have for years, but regrettably, something I’ve never been able to acquire. The more out of control life became for me, the more desperate I grew to solve the mystery of this untouchable, unreachable goal to gain full control of every single aspect of my life. This post is hard for me. There are many things I am going to say aloud that I haven’t before and I feel very vulnerable. But, I’m going to put my pride aside, because this is very important to me and I know there are others who are dealing with something similar. I truly hope my feeling of being exposed does not go to waste and this helps someone out there.

It was on the eve of my baby boy’s first Christmas when a drunk driver came barreling through my life, sending me into a tailspin. I could have lost my son, my unborn daughter, my sister and the thought of that, which tormented me for years to come, was terrifying. After that horrible event, I craved control and did anything I could to have it.

Life got a little better, giving me a false sense that I was actually in control. I don’t think I was alone that I felt I was in control when life was good, but it’s just a delusion; no one is ever truly in control. I got married, made a home with my new husband, my son and shortly thereafter, my daughter. But a mere four weeks after her birth, I was once again reminded, I had control over nothing. My daughter was hospitalized for an infection, right in the middle of a move into our new place. While my family packed our clothes, moved our furniture and I hovered over my daughter’s tiny little body covered in tubes, my husband, unbeknownst to me, was spiraling out of control, relapsing after years of sobriety. Life became chaotic. Over the next few years, I tried desperately to control my husband’s addiction after that first relapse and the many that followed. I tried to control the demise of our financial stability, as I had become the sole breadwinner for our family. Even during the periods of time in which my husband was sober, I tried to control where he went, who he saw, where our money was spent, all out of fear I would lose the control I thought I had over his sobriety. The more control I tried taking over our marriage, his sobriety, and our children, the more out of reach it became. When I was diagnosed with RSD and Fibromyalgia it was just one more slap in the face: I could do nothing to control the fact that I was facing a ruthless and horrifying future filled with pain and torment.

About nine months after my diagnosis, my husband and I separated. During a time that most would think difficult or challenging, a calm came over me; something I had never experienced and could not begin to describe. I was now a single mother, the sole financial provider for my children, had a good but hectic career, had one of the worst chronic pain diseases known to exist, yet I was at peace. A few months after our separation, I was t-boned while driving home and it not only made for one of the worst flares I had ever experienced but it worsened my RSD, something I didn’t even think possible. It was the drunk driver who sent me into a chase for control, so one would think this accident would do the same, especially because of the subsequent worsening of my disease and finding out that I would require a surgery because of it. But funny enough, there was no more yearn for the control that I chased for so many years.

Here’s the thing: you cannot control life. You cannot control what happens to you. You cannot control what your husband/wife, your children, your friends or even strangers do. You can’t control what diseases choose to infest your body. What you can control is the person you choose to be; how you handle yourself in the worst of times and the best of times. I COULD play the victim, but I choose not to. What I can control is what I choose to do with the life lessons I learned throughout the years of hardship. I learned to care for others. I learned to be compassionate to those who are going through a difficult time. I learned to be grateful for the small things in life. I learned that God’s plan for me was to go through those difficult times that at one point, I didn’t think I would survive, only to show me that what I endured has made me who I am today. I will be the first to admit, having an addict in your every day life, struggling financially for several years, having a marriage that is on life support with the plug half way out of the socket and having to deal with the pain I do, the pain that I would trade for labor (yes, the child birthing labor) pains any day of the week, sucks. It is truly, terribly, awful. But, after trying for so many years, I can finally admit I cannot control ANY of those things.

My advice: stop chasing control over things you can’t and start controlling who you are. The many people I have been blessed to meet who share this disease or other health issues have been a pillar of strength and many role models to me. Most aren’t victims; they don’t wallow or want pity. They simply want people to understand them and what they deal with. This disease has humbled me a great deal and has shown me, my circumstances don’t define me, but rather I define me. This change didn’t happen over night. It began when I was diagnosed and progressed ever since, so I will be the first to say it isn’t easy, but most importantly, it’s NOT impossible.  

To those who are going through difficult times, whether it be the demise of marriage, a cruel disease, financial strain…whatever it may be; are you going to waste your time trying to control everything around you or are you going to admit you have no control, and start deciding what person you want to be not despite of what you are going through, but because of what you are going through?

Until next time :)